I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
