I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
