He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
