You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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