I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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