I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Randomize
