No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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