Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
