Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
