im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
