I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
