Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
