So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
