Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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