I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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