see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize