Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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