she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
