Heybabeimwearingurpanties
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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