he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
