I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think people are normalizing furries
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
