Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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