6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
