Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
