So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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