I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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