you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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