Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
