Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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