I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
