I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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