Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
