eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Randomize
