Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
