You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
