Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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