I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
