if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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