i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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