Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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