I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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