I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
