Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
