If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
