Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
