how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
