i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
