Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
