i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
