I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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