stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
