I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
