and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues