My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
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dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.