I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why are your pants in the freezer?