Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
