i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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