I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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