i permit you to call me
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
