We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
